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[shipmaster]

Threads, continuations and TDM INSIDE

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[PSL - post Atlas]

[shipmaster]

[As much as Miles had promised the moment they'd gotten back on board. As much as Bel had with all bravado, talked about how Miles would need half a day to get his affairs in order...

It was two weeks of mad work, communications, reorganization and flat out running across the Nexus at points, before they even really crossed paths again. It wasn't just registering the new wormhole and the new planet. It wasn't just figuring out what the HELL to tell Simon about where they'd gone, how they'd gotten there, or the driving intuition that had galvanized Quinn to take a blind hell jump through a newly found wormhole.

There was Mark to call off, ImpSec to report to, the Duronas to covertly check in with, the Barons to set back against each other, the clones to settle, the long conversations with Elena, Quinn and Baz jarring memories into Miles' brain... And the news of Miles' father, recovering from his surgery...

They were currently on the Ariel, en route to Barrayar with another mountain of problems, politics, explanations and a world to reacclimate to and hopefully make ... solid that fuzzy other life of Miles'. Bel's cabin was still Bel's, though command was being held by Elena for the moment.

From where Miles was ushered to sit, the herm hadn't cleaned out and packed their things.. yet. The strange limbo wasn't as final after the desert world and its underground chambers.]

I'm going to guess you want the usual tea. [That came with its own black humor... Mark would have gotten that dig. They really had thought he was Miles at that point.]

[dendarii]

[ Miles has stepped back into the center of this whirlwind as best he could. It's an odd line to straddle, this thin line between command and recovery. Even setting aside his mental health - which is complicated and painful and splintered terribly even with his inner circle's help - Miles has physical recovery to do as well. Being stranded on an alien world with severely limited resources is not good for a freshly cryorevived person even before they nearly get eaten by an overgrown salad. The days have been long and exhausting. But Miles is too himself to step back for a moment.

It's a very tired Miles who finally shows up at Bel's door. Exhausted in body as well as spirit. He'd had another seizure last night in the privacy of his room. He's ... decided not to tell anyone, not even the doctors just yet. Surely it's just lingering stress from the revival and his adventures...

He still manages a smile at Bel's comment. ]

Back to business as usual, after all. [ He settles into the chair with a soft sigh of relief. He's still so very, very sore. ] I won't complain, given what our alternatives would be.

[shipmaster]

[Told or not, a certain grey malaise follows Miles in the wake of it. Bel gives him a longer look, mostly masked by the tea making process as it was. Delicate tea cups and saucers were set out, the tea in strainers set to steep, a timer set.]

It could be getting a bit more sleep. [Bel hasn't actually HAD much to do, the arrest holding, command suspended... they've just been locked with their own thoughts. Sleep hadn't been easy, but opportunities plentiful.] You look worse than when we were picked up. It's impressive.

[dendarii]

[ Bel alone knows exactly what that gray cloud is about. Miles has been very careful with letting anyone else know what's going on - and why wouldn't he? Since this is temporary, he'll only worry people unnecessarily. Or get himself dismissed from this position entirely. No need to get into any of that.

He sits up a little straighter, reaching to take one of the empty cup and turn it slightly in his hand. ]

Are you sure about that? I thought Quinn would have a heart attack. We were half sand and dried sap by then.

[shipmaster]

[And another secret that Bel has, thus far, kept utterly.]

I was kind of getting used to it. You flake with elegance.

[dendarii]

[ It's done much to soothe Miles in its own way. Trusting Bel with something again ... Those small steps are important. ]

I think I still have some stuck somewhere. I keep finding bits in my hair.

[shipmaster]

At least those awful suits kept it from anywhere particularly annoying. [The timer beeps... it spoke to the internal state of tension that Bel actually startled a little.

Their hands are steady, though, as they pour for both of them. Black for Miles, lightly sweetened for Bel.]

Are we saying goodbye today? [The tone was quiet.]

[dendarii]

[ Miles takes the cup as an excuse not to speak immediately. The last jump before Miles splits off for Barrayar proper is only a few days away at this point. And after that, he'll have a different set of priorities. Facing down a life he still only barely registers as his ... ]

I'm going home for a while, yes. [ Another scorching sip. ] If I don't straighten out my head now, I likely never will.

[ But that's not really what Bel is asking, is it? ]

[shipmaster]

[It really isn't.

But it isn't a yes. If nothing else, they've always been patient at letting Miles get to telling them what he will, when he wants.

But, there's no way Miles is leaving without an answer though. There will be headlines, if Miles goes downside and leaves Bel in this sort of limbo. Mostly "Hermaphrodite Arrested on Barrayar Strangling Vor Lord."]

Well, we can start with what's on your mind.

[dendarii]

[ He wouldn't do that, jeez. It's just taking him a little longer to sort everything out. He hasn't had time to sort everything out ... He sighs, softly, and decides against the deflection he'd been about to respond with. ]

You, mostly.

[shipmaster]

[Bel decides to soften that.]

A month ago, I'd have been dizzy to hear that. [They take a sip of tea... overly long, composing.] I've been thinking about it, too. Some possibilities.. perhaps.

[dendarii]

[ Miles looks up at Bel at that. ]

Possibilities?

[shipmaster]

What happened was something that I can't walk back. There isn't evening those scales up...

[No matter what wild adventure it was, it hadn't done anything in the Dendarii's eyes. And not really Bel's either, if they're honest with themself. This is going to hurt. It already hurts.]

The first is that I should resign. Make it easier all around.

[dendarii]

[ Miles' breath catches painfully in his throat. (It hasn't balanced the scales for Miles either, but - he's trying to pretend that it did.) ]

No.

[shipmaster]

[They'd be lying - wildly lying - if the herm said that that explosion of refusal from Miles wasn't a relief. It shows on their face, but doesn't get voiced by a certain force of will.

Bel plays with the cup in their hands, tilting it back and forth while it cools.]

So. What's below ensign? Back to Trainee? Work back up?

[dendarii]

[ Another sharp headshake. He can't continue on this path - he has to believe there's something else. ]

It'd be a damn waste. You were doing an incredible job before all this blew up.

[shipmaster]

Then?

[dendarii]

Then ...

[ Here's where he falters. He can't keep Bel in their commission, but he damn well doesn't want them gone either. He switches tracks. ]

You did rescue me. Twice over.

[shipmaster]

That's not exceptional, Miles dear. That's my job.

[And where they failed. And what they may have traded nearly 50 children's lives for...]

I've rescued you plenty of times before that. You've rescued me. It isn't the issue on the table.

[dendarii]

Sure it is. [ Miles presses on, rather desperate. ] It makes up for whatever influence you had over getting me killed. We can wipe those ledgers out.

[shipmaster]

[There's a moment where they might just believe. Or talk themselves into it. That careful resolve they've been working on this whole wild trip starts to crack.]

Is that the Inner Circle's stance?

[dendarii]

[ Miles' silence in response is damning. ]

They're ... advising me otherwise.

[ In varying levels of strength, for different reasons. Miles can put his foot down, but at what cost? ]

[shipmaster]

[They close their eyes.

Miles would destroy the integrity of his own command over this. Of course he would. Forward momentum and the Barrayaran reflex of standing with your people, even when your people are idiots.

Well then, one last rescue.]

Holt's done marvelously in my stead. I'll take care of the paperwork next shift cycle. [Firmly, quickly, they continue overriding any attempt by Miles to interrupt. Naismith's own style against him.] We've talked about severance pay already, that is clear. .. As tempted as I am to simply buy the rest of the Ariel's debt and flit off with her, I think it will make a tidy retirement, instead.

[And then turns it around.] Have you spoken with the Fleet doctor yet?

[dendarii]

[ Miles does open his mouth to object. Nearly manages it, but Bel's words stream past him. And that comment at the end... Miles goes incredibly still. It overrides his entire argument for a moment. He's not even going to pretend he doesn't know what Bel is talking about. ]

There's nothing to talk about. I've been improving steadily all around. No need to cause unnecessary worry.

[shipmaster]

I worry. You look... wan.