shipmaster | (no subject)

[ Miles does open his mouth to object. Nearly manages it, but Bel's words stream past him. And that comment at the end... Miles goes incredibly still. It overrides his entire argument for a moment. He's not even going to pretend he doesn't know what Bel is talking about. ]

There's nothing to talk about. I've been improving steadily all around. No need to cause unnecessary worry.

I worry. You look... wan.

[ And Bel knows his secret, of course. ]

I had a bit of an episode last night. Which is to be expected, all things considered.

Edited 2016-11-09 12:27 (UTC)

[That.. confirms their suspicion. They'd seen this shade of pallor, this depressed energy.

Bel reaches out, fingers warm on Miles' cheek.]

All things considered.

...

You should think about it. [And wont be telling it, if Miles wont.]

[ Miles leans into that touch lightly. It's a sign of how desperately he wants comfort right now. There's a flare of relief in his expression at Bel's implied promise. ]

It'll pass, Bel. This one was much lighter, so I must be improving.

[ That's an absolute lie. His pallor is proof of that. ]

[It lingers, then, sliding down his neck to settle comfortably, familiarly on his shoulder. Bel isn't without sympathy... A terrifying new change in the wake of death and life, going back to Barrayar with only half his mind put back in its right place, the events and mysteries they just lived through... There's some part of them that wonders if the vehement attempts to keep Bel was just to try and keep as much the same as possible.]

... Then tell Quinn, at least, if you haven't.

[ It's surely a factor. One of many at this point. Slowly, he reaches his own hand up to rest on Bel's. ]

Can't. We've - well, we've broken up. If I told her now it would be emotional manipulation.

What?

[Sorry but. THE INVISIBLE POWER COUPLE??]

How?!

[ Miles winces rather sharply at that. It's still a fresh wound. ]

We were strained already. I'd asked her to marry me and come back to Barrayar, and she refused firmly. I asked her to come back with me now and the answer was the same. So rather than prolong the inevitable...

[ He shrugs faintly. ]

[Bel blew out a small breath. There was no surprise there : Quinn's opinions on living downside was no secret to anyone.

... Though, they supposed if anyone has earned a midlife crisis of that level, it would be Miles.]

Walking back, then - I disagree. She and Elena are your ranking officers. Surely there's a way.

[ Miles' tone goes strained to the point of breaking. ]

I'll get better. And - if anyone finds out, I'll be grounded, perhaps permanently. I'm going to be trapped on Barrayar for long enough as it is...

[ It's a thought that's genuinely terrifying to him. Given how he still doesn't quite believe his Barrayaran memories. What if he gets there and finds himself an alien on his own homeworld? ]

Edited 2016-11-09 22:20 (UTC)

[Bel could understand... And didn't really know anything about his life on that planet... Miles did always seem so alive and eager to get going that it wasn't hard to believe that this was the better life... No one with Barrayaran ties, then.]

Fine... But someone should be with you on missions who knows what to look for, how to handle it and cover if we need to.

[ Miles goes still again, but it's an electrifying stillness. His gray eyes light up for the first time since starting this conversation.. ]

Just so. A personal bodyguard, of sorts. Important to be outside the chain of command as well.

... True, direct reporting removes a lot of potentially conflicting interests.

[That look.. ] Whatever it is rattling around up there, out with it.

[ Miles just continues onward, waiting for Bel to catch up with him. ]

Someone who knows me well. Who does know what to look for, and has dealt with it in a combat situation.

So far, that's only myself and Taura. I'm not sure who else you'd trust that far outside of the usual suspects.

[ Miles gives Bel a rather meaningful look. ]

Exactly. I need you, Bel.

[There's is a certain sort of silently stunned of someone not quite daring to hope after having resigned... ]

That... Might work. It could fly on a couple of counts.

[ Good. That's a good sign. Miles' own hope is still terribly tremulous in his chest. ]

You would have to resign your commission. But you would stay with the Dendarii. You'd still be involved in command decisions ...

[ And Miles doesn't have to exile them. And he can pretend like that betrayal never happened. ]

[Bel pulls back, setting their hands on their lap to twist them, the only outlet for the wild energy generated by thought. Guarding Miles was... no small task. It took the whole damn fleet sometimes. They'd need to get better at close combat for certain.

God, they want to say yes, immediately. They've been following along behind Miles so long, and so far that the idea of NOT trailing after to see what mess came out of THIS idea was just... emptying.

It could probably get through the Inners too. Busted down, removed from command... and set up to guard the life Bel got voided to start with. There was a certain karma...

It was just...]

One thing... [They hold up a finger, knowing damn well they're not in a position to demand, but... there's no way to make this WORK otherwise.] If I think you're topped off on stress - or whatever we pin down, I get to say no to you personally taking on missions. My judgement on that. You get absolute rule everywhere else.

[ Ah. That's a concession they will probably fight over, in actuality, but in theory? Miles can't argue with it. Hell, Miles won't argue with it. ]

Agreed. As my bodyguard, it would be natural for you to make such decisions. Lest I endanger myself terribly that way.

[Probably a lot, but for now...

This could world. This could really work. Bel can't help but smile, the first one to reach their eyes since the surface of that planet.]

Agreed, then. Let me know how I can help you get it past the usual committee.

[ Miles considers that. ]

Not too much. Given how unhappy I was about demoting you at all, they'll take it as a concession.

You really are too kind for this business. But I suppose that's why we all follow you.

[ Miles just grins a bit evilly at that. ]

Well, your first assignment is coming with me to Barrayar.